# JOKES.TXT
# This file contains jokes that are read and displayed by AMATEUR NIGHT 
#
# RULES FOR EDITING THIS FILE:
# 1) Pound signs (#) are interpreted as comment characters.
#    The pound sign, and anything on the line after the pound
#    sign will be ignored. DO NOT PUT POUND SIGNS IN YOUR JOKES.
#
# 2) This file must be placed in the USERDATA\GAME directory.
#
# 3) Each joke must be separated by at least one blank line.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing, he can't come when you call anyway.

How can you tell if you're overweight?
You step on your dog's tail and he dies.

Yeah, my brother got the electric chair.
Every year we put a wreath on the fuse box.

How do you get Kleenex to dance?
Blow a little boogie in it.

This watch has been in our family for years.
It's been handed down from pawnbroker to pawnbroker.

I said to my father, "How come you never take me to the zoo?"
He said, "Hey, if they want you, they can come and get you."

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

So I said to this guy's wife,
"The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it."

What's green and sits on the lawn?
Paddy O'Furniture.

I was so surprised at my birth, I wasn't able to speak for a year and a half.

What was the Pope's first miracle?
He cured a ham.

What's the sticky stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
The fish.

What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead snake?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but only if the lightbulb really wants to change.

Her boyfriend is either mad at her, or he doesn't know how to spell. 
He just sent her a valentine and left out the "I".

Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?
He was Haydn.

What do you call a Norwegian car?
A Fjord.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on Mars?
Great food, but no atmosphere.

What's the definition of bad acne?
You wake up to find a blind man reading your face.

What does the Bass shoe company have in common with the Post Office?
50,000 loafers.

How do you know when a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Pants.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What gets wetter as it dries?
Toilet paper.

How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Depends on how much health insurance the lightbulb has.

What's the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it at you.

What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?
A religious movement.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs swimming in the sea?
Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs lying on a doorstep?
Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs waterskiing?
Skip.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a hole?
Phil.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Peg.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilene.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a scavenging scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will drop off a dead body.

It was so cold the other day, I saw a lawyer's hands in his own pockets.

I was so poor I used to go to McDonald's and put a shake on layaway!

Yeah, my boyfriend is a real Saint . . . a Saint Bernard!

In high school my sister was so fat that when she got on a scale in gym class 
it said "Hey, one at a time, people!"

Bowlers must love you - you're such a pinhead!

Why is it that every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking?

Your body is the shape of an hourglass - but time stood still in the wrong places.

No, no, really, your hairdresser is a genius . . .

When you were born, the doctor didn't know what to slap - you or your mother.

You've got beautiful eyes - is that why they're looking at each other?

My Aunt Matilda is so fat, she's personally causing a famine in two under-developed nations.

Yeah, that's my brother all right - he's one sandwich short of a picnic.

With friends like you, who needs enemas?

A small problem?  She could eat an apple through a picket fence with them teeth!

Is that your face or did your neck just throw up?

Bran muffins bring out the best in my mother-in-law.

My wife is so ugly, Ripley wouldn't believe it.

Hey you over there in the plaid shirt - a few more I.Q. points and you might be able to bark.

What do you get when you put banana peels on your feet?
A pair of slippers.

What did the table cloth say to the table?
Don't move - I've got you covered.

What did the wall say to the other wall?
Meet me in the corner.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit cards.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.

Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Holes all over Australia.

Hey, did you read that new book "The Yellow Stream," by P.A. Little?

Hey, did you read that new book "A Good Time To Get Insurance," by Justin Case?

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a cantaloupe?
A melon collie, baby!

A duck crossed the road to buy some items and the clerk asked for cash or charge.
The duck said, "Just put it on my bill."

How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Can't be done - it's a hardware problem.

Grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, "Y'know, we serve a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "Really, you have a drink named Steve?"

3 guys walk into a bar - the fourth one ducks.

A hamburger walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer."
The bartender turns to the hamburger and says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
They hang around your kitchen and are hard to get rid of.

Why do so few men wind up in Heaven?
They refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Why do men try to avoid being themselves?
Because they know the truth.

When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.

What did God say after he created man?
I know I can do better.

That 1990 census was wrong - they counted my ex as a human being.

She was only a preacher's daughter, but I wouldn't put anything pastor.

Her face was like a beautiful poem. I couldn't decide which line I liked best.

My dad is so henpecked - at our house the champagne goes "mom" instead of "pop."

I stayed in a foreign hotel that had no bathroom.
It was uncanny.

A horse I bet on ran such a lousy race, his parents were turning over in their glue bottles.

I stopped playing with the hockey team - they finally got a real puck.

Golf is okay - it's gotten some of the best people to take showers.

I fished the Alaska streams for salmon and never caught a single can.

So I told the waiter, "Look, I'm a lover of good horseflesh, but not between two slices of bread."

The eggs missed me - they hit the scenery and improved the look of it.

Uncle Jim was a tightrope walker, until one night he was tight and the rope wasn't.

It was so dry, I passed a citrus grove and saw an orange sucking a lemon. 

My apartment is sooo small, the cockroaches are all hunchbacks!

What do you get when you cross a helicopter, an elephant, and a rhinoceros?
Heliphino!

How many surrealists does it take to fill a bathtub with brightly colored gardening tools?
Seven, if the duck is wearing a fedora.

How many politically correct people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, and THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

